Dear Ella,

"Sweet sweet baby, I said maybe
Maybe you should stay with me .
Sweet sweet baby, I think maybe
Maybe you shouldn’t leave..."

- Michelle Featherstone

It has been a long time since I have written a post just for you, sweetheart. Right now you are upstairs under all your blankets, cuddled up with about 10 stuffed animals. I can afford to let you sleep in until 8 or 9 and then have a lazy breakfast in your jammies. For a couple more weeks we can spend our mornings laying in bed together, discussing all the things we can do during the day just like we have for the last 3 years. For a couple more weeks you'll still be our baby.

And then you start Kindergarten.

It is so ironic how we have both planned, prepared, and looked forward to such a milestone. Now...now, I feel differently. Now I am panicked and thinking that there is not enough time left. I feel guilty about not playing all the little games you always asked me to play because I have been too busy or have not had enough energy. I realize that our long, drawn-out mornings are about to become hectic. Your daddy and I realize how much you don't like to be rushed, and we are already anticipating challenging beginnings of each day:)

I know you are ready for all the excitement of new friends, a new schedule, and learning new things...but am I ready? Am I ready to not have you come down the stairs every morning only to hug me and cuddle up in my lap for as long as we want? Am I ready to come home every morning to a quiet house and not hear you singing in the next room? Have I talked enough about strangers? About looking both ways for cars? About how much I love you? I read all the time about bullying, and I wonder if I am ready to release you into a world in which I am not there to protect you every minute.

You have been the most amazing blessing. Because of you, I know what it really means to love unconditionally. And because I love you unconditionally....I know what it means to be completely vulnerable. I do believe that it is impossible to love someone so much and not (every now and then) think about how much it would crush you to lose them. Now, I know that you starting school doesn't mean I am losing you, but it sure does make me reexamine priorities. Our lives are about to change. It really makes me appreciate the opportunity that I have had these last few years to spend so much time with you. We've definitely had our not-so-good days, haven't we pumpkin? But it has still been my every dream.

You are the sweetest, most special little girl I have ever had the joy of knowing. Thank you for giving me what I have always wanted most.

I love you, Ella. More than you can even imagine.